We're back. Better than ever. Jesus hath blessed us with the power of being really good at news, and we shall use that power as best we can. By writing silly articles on the internet. Also, I know this is a bit late. I have other things to do to. And lazy. Anyways, this is brought to you by The Peak's super duper election analysis team. The Peak's election team is a ragtag group of political scientists and everyday Americans like you, me, and Borat. And now, to introduce the election analysis supergroup, here's our new intern, George Washington.
We've just been informed that George Washington is dead. This is truly a sad day for America.
Apparently he's been dead for 200 years. Our mistake. We're sorry. Now for our other new intern, Jesus.
Our hiring department has informed me that we never hired anyone named Jesus. Sorry again. I guess I'll do it myself.
"Wait!"
Jesus just showed up. Jesus, why were you late?
"Traffic from heaven is horrible on election day. All those former Presidents rolling in their graves spill out into the streets, drivers run into them, it's mayhem. Anyways, here's The Peak's election team.
Head writer and humanity's savior, Connor Murchison
Apple sheep and less talented writer, Andrew Sousa
Interview contributor and satanic football star, Tim Tebow
My half brother and second favorite dinosaur, Raptor Jesus
My other half brother, Craig
Newscaster and pathological liar, Bill o'Reilly
Channel 4 anchorman, Ron Burgundy
Animal abuser and all around horrible human being, Michael Vick
Son of George Bush, George Bush
Former rapper and gardening show champion, Marshall Mathers
Rapper and lyrical genius, 2 Chainz
Actually political analyst, Seymour Buttz
Other political analyst, Rage Melon
Internet cartoon, Mickey the Dick
Yours truly, Jesus Christ
And a random homeless guy we found outside. Jesus out."
Alright, the team is assembled, Editor, roll the theme music!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eh7lp9umG2I (Embed this video)
CM - Alright, so what are the important states this election, Mr. Buttz?
SB - The big swing states this year are Virginia, North Carolina, Florida, Ohio, New Hampshire, Nevada, Colorado, and Wisconsin.
CM - Alright, what does everyone predict will happen? I personally think Obama will take home the gold, despite not doing anything of note.
AS - I don't really care, when's the iPhone 10 coming out?
TT - My vote goes to Romney, since he wants to increase security spending, which should keep you Peak morons out of my house.
RJ - Obama has the most succulent liver, therefore he shall win.
C - Jesus, who are you voting for?
JC - Romney.
C - Obama it is.
JC - I hate you, Craig.
C - Good.
BoR - I clearly want Romney to win. Isn't that fair and balanced? Everything I say is fair and balanced. Go Romney.
RB - I love poetry, and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here.
RM - ANSWER THE QUESTION, DAMNIT!
RB - Ok. I vote Obama.
MV - Romney, Obama's too into the animal rights crap.
GB - Nuculer.
MM - I don't care. Let me go back to gardening.
2C - Obama's got a big booty, Imma call him Big Booty.
SB - God these people are dumb. Learn to politics. Obama will most likely win. He ca----
OH GOD NOT AGAIN RON PAUL!
Ron Paul's blimp has crashed into everything. Millions are dead. Maybe. I'm not paying attention. All I know is there was shaking and fire and I lost the polling statistics. So we're done.
AS - WAIT THERES A THING IN THE SKY!
CM - OH MY GOD! ITS A BLACK BELLIED BUDAPEST
AS - It's got a note
CM - Well what's it say?
AS - "Romney is leading by 40 points"
CM - Well, there's our polling statistics, folks. Obama and Mick Jagger Romney are yelling about something. Let's listen in.
OBAMA - Are you saying poop jokes, because-Nevermind
ROMNEY - What? Why? What?
OBAMA - B-because b-because P-poop is brown?
ROMNEY - And brown is the color of black people's skin? Is that what you're getting at!?
CM - Riveting debate between those two. It appears that Marshall Mathers has emerged from the blimp wreckage.
MM - **** this Peak thing, I like living. I'm going back to my garden.
CM - Marshall, you have to stay. It's in your contract.
MM - **** your contract.
CM - Don't make me send the robot guards after you
MM - I'll take all those ***** *** guards on, you ****************************************.
CM - You want to do WHAT with a beagle?
MM - No, I said *********************************
CM - Oh god, you're a terrible person.
MM - What are you talking about?
CM - Every time you swear, I'm required by law to censor it. Since that whole string of words is going to be censored, I'm taking some liberties and making it look like you said something gross. Technically, I'm not doctoring the interview, so it's still protected as not being slander.
MM - **** you.
CM - Love you too. Michael Vick seems to have also emerged from the crash. Lets see what he has to say.
MV - I totally support whatever Slim Shady is doing with that beagle.
CM - You're a horrible person. Get off my show.
MV - Ok. I didn't want to be here anyway. I need to film my new reality show "Kitty Cat Gang Fight Party"
CM - I don't even want to know what that entails.
MV - You see, we get a bunch of cats from a shelter, then we attach knives to their paws and don't feed--
CM - ENOUGH. This is a kids teenagers-with-the-mental-capacity-of-kids show. Plus you're self-promoting which is f****** g**.
MV - It's nothing bad. Just starving kittens murdering eacho--
CM - Did you not hear what I said about self promotion?
MV - Yeah, you said it's fantastically good.
CM - You sly bastard. Get off my show.
MV - Fine.
CM - Now that that's over with, let's get back to the election. Osama and Rambo are arguing about the sun. Let's listen in.
BO - The sun is really f****** hot. It has been around for 1000 solar years.
MR - If you put your earhole up to the sun, you can hear the ocean.
BO - Staring directly into the sun can give you superpowers, isn't that right Mister Science?
MR - Uhhh Yes. I am a scientist. I study the science of the earth. Back to you Mister Science.
AS - OH GOD IT BURNS! IT BURNS!
CM - Don't do that Andrew. S'bad for you.
AS - But Obama said we could--
CM - Obama also said he would eliminate all oil and gas tax loopholes, expand the child and dependent care credit, require publicly traded financial partnerships to pay the corporate income tax, close loopholes in the corporate tax deductibility of CEO pay, create a foreclosure prevention fund for homeowners, provide option for a pre-filled-out tax form, create a mortgage interest tax credit for non-itemizers, require automatic enrollment in 401(k) plans, require automatic enrollment in IRA plans, create a retirement savings tax credit for low incomes, and--
AS - OK, we get it. Besides, the GOP has failed to
give small businesses a tax deduction, require congressional approval for major regulations, repeal the health care bill, will not bundle bills into "must-pass" legislation--\
C - We get it, you idiots can copy-paste from politifacts.
CM - Pretty much. What do you think, 2Chainz?
2C - Pus his ass in a plastic bag with his trashy ass.
CM - Brilliant. Rage, where's our polling statistics?
RM - OBAMA WINS.
CM - It's over already?
RM - YES!
CM - OK, lets get a banner for this s***, Jesus. Put an American flag, some fireworks, unicorns, y'know. Epic fanfare.
JC - Got it. And, done.
CM - Perfect. Peak News, reporting out. Say goodbye everyo---
TT - GODD***IT! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!
We've just been informed that George Washington is dead. This is truly a sad day for America.
Apparently he's been dead for 200 years. Our mistake. We're sorry. Now for our other new intern, Jesus.
Our hiring department has informed me that we never hired anyone named Jesus. Sorry again. I guess I'll do it myself.
"Wait!"
Jesus just showed up. Jesus, why were you late?
"Traffic from heaven is horrible on election day. All those former Presidents rolling in their graves spill out into the streets, drivers run into them, it's mayhem. Anyways, here's The Peak's election team.
Head writer and humanity's savior, Connor Murchison
Apple sheep and less talented writer, Andrew Sousa
Interview contributor and satanic football star, Tim Tebow
My half brother and second favorite dinosaur, Raptor Jesus
My other half brother, Craig
Newscaster and pathological liar, Bill o'Reilly
Channel 4 anchorman, Ron Burgundy
Animal abuser and all around horrible human being, Michael Vick
Son of George Bush, George Bush
Former rapper and gardening show champion, Marshall Mathers
Rapper and lyrical genius, 2 Chainz
Actually political analyst, Seymour Buttz
Other political analyst, Rage Melon
Internet cartoon, Mickey the Dick
Yours truly, Jesus Christ
And a random homeless guy we found outside. Jesus out."
Alright, the team is assembled, Editor, roll the theme music!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eh7lp9umG2I (Embed this video)
CM - Alright, so what are the important states this election, Mr. Buttz?
SB - The big swing states this year are Virginia, North Carolina, Florida, Ohio, New Hampshire, Nevada, Colorado, and Wisconsin.
CM - Alright, what does everyone predict will happen? I personally think Obama will take home the gold, despite not doing anything of note.
AS - I don't really care, when's the iPhone 10 coming out?
TT - My vote goes to Romney, since he wants to increase security spending, which should keep you Peak morons out of my house.
RJ - Obama has the most succulent liver, therefore he shall win.
C - Jesus, who are you voting for?
JC - Romney.
C - Obama it is.
JC - I hate you, Craig.
C - Good.
BoR - I clearly want Romney to win. Isn't that fair and balanced? Everything I say is fair and balanced. Go Romney.
RB - I love poetry, and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here.
RM - ANSWER THE QUESTION, DAMNIT!
RB - Ok. I vote Obama.
MV - Romney, Obama's too into the animal rights crap.
GB - Nuculer.
MM - I don't care. Let me go back to gardening.
2C - Obama's got a big booty, Imma call him Big Booty.
SB - God these people are dumb. Learn to politics. Obama will most likely win. He ca----
OH GOD NOT AGAIN RON PAUL!
Ron Paul's blimp has crashed into everything. Millions are dead. Maybe. I'm not paying attention. All I know is there was shaking and fire and I lost the polling statistics. So we're done.
AS - WAIT THERES A THING IN THE SKY!
CM - OH MY GOD! ITS A BLACK BELLIED BUDAPEST
AS - It's got a note
CM - Well what's it say?
AS - "Romney is leading by 40 points"
CM - Well, there's our polling statistics, folks. Obama and Mick Jagger Romney are yelling about something. Let's listen in.
OBAMA - Are you saying poop jokes, because-Nevermind
ROMNEY - What? Why? What?
OBAMA - B-because b-because P-poop is brown?
ROMNEY - And brown is the color of black people's skin? Is that what you're getting at!?
CM - Riveting debate between those two. It appears that Marshall Mathers has emerged from the blimp wreckage.
MM - **** this Peak thing, I like living. I'm going back to my garden.
CM - Marshall, you have to stay. It's in your contract.
MM - **** your contract.
CM - Don't make me send the robot guards after you
MM - I'll take all those ***** *** guards on, you ****************************************.
CM - You want to do WHAT with a beagle?
MM - No, I said *********************************
CM - Oh god, you're a terrible person.
MM - What are you talking about?
CM - Every time you swear, I'm required by law to censor it. Since that whole string of words is going to be censored, I'm taking some liberties and making it look like you said something gross. Technically, I'm not doctoring the interview, so it's still protected as not being slander.
MM - **** you.
CM - Love you too. Michael Vick seems to have also emerged from the crash. Lets see what he has to say.
MV - I totally support whatever Slim Shady is doing with that beagle.
CM - You're a horrible person. Get off my show.
MV - Ok. I didn't want to be here anyway. I need to film my new reality show "Kitty Cat Gang Fight Party"
CM - I don't even want to know what that entails.
MV - You see, we get a bunch of cats from a shelter, then we attach knives to their paws and don't feed--
CM - ENOUGH. This is a kids teenagers-with-the-mental-capacity-of-kids show. Plus you're self-promoting which is f****** g**.
MV - It's nothing bad. Just starving kittens murdering eacho--
CM - Did you not hear what I said about self promotion?
MV - Yeah, you said it's fantastically good.
CM - You sly bastard. Get off my show.
MV - Fine.
CM - Now that that's over with, let's get back to the election. Osama and Rambo are arguing about the sun. Let's listen in.
BO - The sun is really f****** hot. It has been around for 1000 solar years.
MR - If you put your earhole up to the sun, you can hear the ocean.
BO - Staring directly into the sun can give you superpowers, isn't that right Mister Science?
MR - Uhhh Yes. I am a scientist. I study the science of the earth. Back to you Mister Science.
AS - OH GOD IT BURNS! IT BURNS!
CM - Don't do that Andrew. S'bad for you.
AS - But Obama said we could--
CM - Obama also said he would eliminate all oil and gas tax loopholes, expand the child and dependent care credit, require publicly traded financial partnerships to pay the corporate income tax, close loopholes in the corporate tax deductibility of CEO pay, create a foreclosure prevention fund for homeowners, provide option for a pre-filled-out tax form, create a mortgage interest tax credit for non-itemizers, require automatic enrollment in 401(k) plans, require automatic enrollment in IRA plans, create a retirement savings tax credit for low incomes, and--
AS - OK, we get it. Besides, the GOP has failed to
give small businesses a tax deduction, require congressional approval for major regulations, repeal the health care bill, will not bundle bills into "must-pass" legislation--\
C - We get it, you idiots can copy-paste from politifacts.
CM - Pretty much. What do you think, 2Chainz?
2C - Pus his ass in a plastic bag with his trashy ass.
CM - Brilliant. Rage, where's our polling statistics?
RM - OBAMA WINS.
CM - It's over already?
RM - YES!
CM - OK, lets get a banner for this s***, Jesus. Put an American flag, some fireworks, unicorns, y'know. Epic fanfare.
JC - Got it. And, done.
CM - Perfect. Peak News, reporting out. Say goodbye everyo---
TT - GODD***IT! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!